My Lament to God

There is nothing more I can do

8/24/23

I woke up at 3 am to find my severely disabled elderly mother had peed in her bed. She is 82 years old. She has been disabled from a stroke since 1996 (27 years ago).

Myself, my sister (Napoleon) and my older brother have been taking care of our mom for 27 years. All three of us have put our lives on hold for the majority of our adult years to take of our mother to see that she does not go into a nursing home. I know we are all tired and it will only get worse.

I am writing this post to God. No cartoons. Just words.

I lament to you God.

I am tired.

Oh I will get through the pee, the no sleep, changing diapers, washing sheets, cleaning the house to try to remove the constant urine smell, dumping turds down the toilet, etc. Those are just tedious tasks one does when taking care of a disabled elderly person.

But I am still tired and I am jealous.

I am jealous of families who have people who die suddenly. People who die in their sleep before they become disabled and a burden to their families. My younger brother has not been burdened with taking care of our mother. He is married and has a family. Me, my sister and my older brother are not married and have no children. Our father died in 1994 from starvation from cancer treatments. We have been burdened with taking care of our mother these past 27 years.

My younger brother's wife just had a sudden death in her family. Her 79 year old aunt died suddenly from a stroke.

I am jealous. I am jealous when people die suddenly from strokes. My younger brother's family was spared from taking care of a disabled stroke victim. They were spared from the hell that is hospitals, nursing homes, medical insurance, bankruptcy from nursing home costs, etc. They were spared from trying to communicate with a person who has aphasia, from dealing with rehab and teaching the stroke victim how to walk, eat, and go to the bathroom.

They were spared from dealing with a disabled person for 27 years. They were spared from losing 27 years of the prime of their lives tending to a disabled person.

When I hear of sudden deaths, I do not mourn the person who died. The person who died did not suffer and is with God and his judgment.

When I hear of sudden deaths, I do not mourn for the family left behind. The family has been spared decades of caretaking. The family can move on quickly and live their lives.

I am jealous. I am jealous of families who never have to deal with decades of being a caretaker to a disabled/elderly person. I am jealous of the freedom they have to make plans, go on vacation, not have a house smell like pee.

I know there are many people in my same situation. Many people take care of disabled children for decades. They are tired also.

I have been reading Near Death Experiences. One common theme is deceased relatives/angels/Jesus tell the "deceased" person that "they chose their life on Earth in order to become closer to the love that is God."

I can't really wrap my head around the choosing of a difficult life on Earth. Maybe I did choose to be a caretaker before I was born on this Earth. I must not have known how hard and tiring it would be. Now I know and I don't want to do it anymore. I am now 57 years old, I have been caretaking since I was 28 years old. I am physically old and I cannot do the physical lifting anymore.

Help me God. I can't do it by myself. You know that.

All I can do is attempt to find some "good" daytime and nighttime diapers for my mom.

That is it. Time will march on. I will get older, my mom will get more incontinent and worse with her dementia.

Each day I wish and many times I pray for my mom to die in her sleep.

Each day I get up and do it all over again. Commodes. Bed Pans. Dumping pee and turds in the toilet. Dressing my mom. Getting her breakfast, lunch, dinner. Doing her laundry. Cleaning the house. Opening windows to remove the constant smell of urine and rot.

If I chose this life I don't know what I was thinking.

I suppose putting her into a nursing home would "solve" all my problems. But it won't. It will be even more stressful and bankrupt the family.

I can't do this anymore God. I am sorry for giving up on what I chose. I didn't know it would last this long.

I lament to you God. There is nothing more I can do.

— Pug