Thank you everyone for your encouraging comments and prayers! I read every comment multiple times. Your thoughts mean so much. I will be responding to everyone individually over the next few days. Tonight I going to force myself to Mass. The Ascension of Jesus. Blessings to everyone!
I have been instructed to deliver this reply to you.
Dear Napoleon
Many thanks for your thoughtful letter and my apologies for not writing sooner. Things are rather busy up here in the clouds of heaven and have been particularly fraught since the COVID 19 nonsense started. The angels are delivering and taking messages right left and centre and keeping up with it all is time consuming.
Admittedly it is partly my fault as I created everything in the first place including that wretch Lucifer, now Satan. Once I get my hands on him I'll...excuse me while I take myself off to a quiet corner...............
......That's better. You may have read that God swears by Himself so I have just done that. :)
As regards your valid concerns tell me about it..... ok, you have but I'm sure you know what I mean! It may seem easy to blame Satan but he is a pain in proverbial backside to put it mildly. Ever since he was kicked unceremoniously out of heaven for his unspeakable violation of Adam and Eve he has been up to no good. He has lied and lied and lied again.
As he took a third of the angels with him (I prefer to call them the turd of the angels) there has been a ding dong battle royal going on for millennia. As a 1,000 years is like one day and vica versa, it seems like only yesterday that I created the world when all was hunky dory until pride settled into Lucifer's heart.
He fancied himself when he saw his beautiful reflection and became the first narcissist and the rest as they say is history.
But it is my story as History is His story, i.e. God's i.e yours truly. Things got rather carried away but now the final chapter is upon us and I am wrapping things up. It seems awful, but appearances are deceptive.
I know how hard it is for My children. I came down in the form of My Son Jesus about 2,000 years ago earth time and that helped Me understand how hard it is to live in such a fallen world.
When you put yourself into the hearts of your Darlings as I have done you feel it as much as if you were there yourself. And as Jesus says, if it were not so I would have told you.
It is wonderful that you do your best, but ultimately I just want you and yours and any who will come to me via Jesus, my beautiful Boy who became a Man and died on a Tree and rose again because He is a Rose, a beautiful Rose of Sharon.
He is the Son of God, and when you look up at the sun in the sky which I made during the day then you can feel its warmth and know its kiss on your cheeks. N.B. Some people like to wear nothing sometimes and there are more than 2 cheeks. :)
I hope that helps. Don't worry about mass etc. there are lots of people who love you and who need your love. Even I need it too otherwise I would not have invested myself in creation and my dear children. I was only ever interested in love which is why the two greatest commands only talk about love.
I came across this through a link from another Substack today and want to thank you for articulating what I have struggled with since Covid started but especially 2021 till now, when so many aspects of my life seemed to fall apart. It is hard to keep the faith and pray when you don’t feel like God is listening to you and when you feel like everything is hard and getting harder. Thank you for not shying away from putting your thoughts and feeling out there. It is comforting to know others struggle with this also and uplifting to read the comments from readers offering words from scripture and detailing how they’ve dealt with their own struggles and come out stronger for it. Praying for peace and blessings to come to you 🙏
We all struggle. It would not be faith if we had absolute certainty. I pray “I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.” But God is good and will help you through.
Napoleon, sharing my devotion this morning (May 19, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young), which seems to address this place of loneliness where you find yourself:
"Although My Presence is a guaranteed promise, that does not necessarily change your feelings. When you forget I am with you, you may experience loneliness or fear. It is through awareness of My Presence that Peace displaces negative feelings. Practice the discipline of walking consciously with Me through each day."
And she references 1 Corinthians 13:12 and Psalm 29:11, to which I will add:
Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
It is hard to practice this consciousness and we all fail at it - I have failed at it much of my life. He is still there, still showing us grace, still preparing a place for us. He is faithful and walking alongside you, no matter what you feel at this moment.
Thank you Jennifer. I thought about loneliness this morning and how God is always there with us. Still us humans want something we can see and touch - that is the faith part I am struggling with now. The Priest talked about that last night. When Jesus physically left the earth the Apostles and Blessed Virgin Mary were left alone, but the Paraclete was sent down in His place. I need to tap into the Holy Spirit.
You do not mention your age. Are you young? I was thirty five when I finally ran into the woman I should have married. Unfortunately I had pushed ahead and married someone else, a year earlier, who was, ultimately, incompatible with me. Divorce and remarriage is not an option for me (but not for my now ex).
Had I but waited I would have married the woman who I knew I should have waited for. Upon meeting her it was crystal clear what I lost by not waiting on the Lord. I said nothing to anyone, but my friend later told me that she was shattered to learn that I was married. She was "sure that I was the one the Lord had told her to wait for".
I have no idea your age or level of compatibility with another, and in these end days, solitude may be necessary until the near-end of this battle, but wait on the Lord and He will do more for you than you could ever ask. And you will absolutely know it.
I'm old - 56. I got married at 33 after knowing that person for four years. I look back on it now and see the warning signs and yet I plowed through, who knows why. Probably fear of loneliness since I was old when I got married. I was married for 17 years, divorced and annulled. If you don't mind me asking why could you not divorce and remarry?
So technically I guess I've never been married. Still single. I think about it often and realize many, many people are meant to go through life single. Many more people than society realizes. I've been waiting on God to show me the way. It's been five years since the divorce, then covid hit and it seemed the whole world was lonely. I'll keep working on my patience.
The Lord has given very precise instructions about marriage. Once and done. To remarry, except for marital infidelity, is adultery. This simple edict is bullet proof, and I am thankful that it is so, as I am very happy being a solitary man. I have a near insatiable curiosity and find myself reading books on science, medicine, history, biographicals, technical manuals etc. I enjoy listening to lectures, on very complex subjects. It is hilarious considering I never finished high school, in a hurry to get into the military and to 'Nam while I had a shot at doing my "patriotic duty". Fool that I was.
If I were still married (she divorced me, as is the case in over 70% of divorces here in Commiefornia) there is no way I would have the time to learn at the pace I am.
I hear you Doug. One and done is what I believe too. I'll never get married again. I probably should have never married at all. As you note, being single has its blessings as well.
Beloved, you have been blessed beyond measure. You suffer more than others because you love more. Suffering is a gift, you cannot grow into who you are meant to be without suffering and trial. Character and wisdom are only obtained through great sacrifice and torment. All men of greatness write of this specific trial using the same words you just did.
Ecclus 51:25. 29 describes this battle for wisdom.
You are currently experiencing the dark night of the spirit. I recommend reading the completed works of st John of the cross if you’d like guidance and clarification about Gods purpose for you. You may not be able to finish what you started but he will. There’s no going back now sweetheart, you cannot run from God. Ask Jonah lol. You are in a period of transition, like a Phoenix you are meant to rise from the ashes. But first you must become ashes, in order for God to transform you into something new.
You are a first fruits, I believe that the end of May will mark a great renewal of Gods favor in your life. Hold on you are almost there. Let go of the old, there’s no going back.
Thank you Lily for your kind words. Back in 2016 I went through the dark night for three years. I thought I had got out of it, but maybe we never really leave it. The dark night seems to be back with a vengeance. I have read St. John of the Cross, although at times I don't understand it! Sometimes I wonder if I navel gaze too much and don't do enough physical living. There is a happy medium there somewhere. I hope the end of May will bring clarity or at least anytime before I leave this earth for good!
What happened in 2016 was meant to help you mature to the point you would be able to persevere in this period of great darkness. Take a second and really think about how far you have come. Did you ever believe you would be capable of withstanding such a great trial as you have now? You stand vindicated, because of your actions.
All those who folded and betrayed you, now stand accused. They betrayed not only you, but themselves.
The law of God is not just written into the fabric of the universe but also on our hearts and minds. The conscience convicts itself, it is a most grievous state to live in. Truly, Hell on earth. You should pity and pray for these people, not envy them.
You must let go of this pain, heal, and move forward. That means actively working to stop staring at your navel and choosing to live each day to the fullest. Find joy in the simple tasks again, like watching the sunrise with a good cup of coffee. I suggest working with your hands outside, we were not meant to live in a box and stare at a box. Let God do his job, he's got this. I promise.
God gives you what you need, in one way or another. Jesus didn't ask the rich young ruler (see below) to follow him AND bring his riches along, he told the rich young ruler to give his riches to the poor and THEN follow him. Jesus got what he needed from God (apostles for companionship, daily bread, sometimes a roof over his head, etc.)
Jesus wasn't rich with possessions, but he was rich with faith which is all one needs to survive until our death. None of us are truly thankful for what God has given us. We always want more. Love your neighbor as yourself is crucial to a better world and life and so very difficult for all of us.
-----------------------------------
Matthew 19 v. 16-28
Jesus Counsels the Rich Young Ruler
16 Now behold, one came and said to Him, “Good[d] Teacher, what good thing shall I do that I may have eternal life?”
17 So He said to him, [e]“Why do you call Me good? [f]No one is good but One, that is, God. But if you want to enter into life, keep the commandments.”
18 He said to Him, “Which ones?”
Jesus said, “‘You shall not murder,’ ‘You shall not commit adultery,’ ‘You shall not steal,’ ‘You shall not bear false witness,’ 19 ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ ”
20 The young man said to Him, “All these things I have kept [g]from my youth. What do I still lack?”
21 Jesus said to him, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”
22 But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.
With God All Things Are Possible
23 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “Assuredly, I say to you that it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24 And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
25 When His disciples heard it, they were greatly astonished, saying, “Who then can be saved?”
26 But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
27 Then Peter answered and said to Him, “See, we have left all and followed You. Therefore what shall we have?”
28 So Jesus said to them, “Assuredly I say to you, that in the regeneration, when the Son of Man sits on the throne of His glory, you who have followed Me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29 And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother [h]or wife or children or [i]lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life. 30 But many who are first will be last, and the last first.
Thanks Pug for the rich man parable. "Jesus wasn't rich with possessions, but he was rich with faith which is all one needs to survive until our death." This is what I am struggling with now - the faith. I'm kind of like Peter now - we left all and followed You, what do we have? It seems like the more you follow Jesus the more you have to leave behind, and the more you left behind goes to the nonbelievers. Of course Jesus answers that with hope of eternal life in Heaven. That's the faith. Believe in what we don't see. So hard to do when all you do see is the riches/blessings of life going to others.
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him. James 1:12
Much of James 1 has made it onto my list, not all at once, because particular verses hit me different days. This one was a gift from you, Napoleon, at a day in 2022 when I needed comfort and connection that I have sometimes found in the comments to various substacks. Praying for you this morning Napoleon.
It's always good to reread scripture, over and over. I need to read the full James 1. I'm glad I helped you with comfort and connection on that day. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to the wind, but your comments show me that connection is there, even if we don't think so! I must remember that.
Napoleon, you are in my prayers for what you stand in need of because only God knows your heartbreak and understands what you are going through at this time in your life. May God bless you with courage and the strength to face the future with faith. Count your blessings and name them one by one. An attitude of gratitude will lift your spirit upward and you will see what God can do. Never give up!! Fight the good fight!! For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, and the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God,that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day,and having done all, to stand. Ephesians 6: 11-18. This group of scripture is worth memorizing because we have to put on the whole armour of God to be able to withstand in the evil days ahead. We can do it, we must do it with Faithfulness. May God bless you with peace that passes all understanding.
Thank you always Charlotte for your kind words and support. I always look forward to your comments as they always help me along. Put on the armour! Some days we need more armour than others. Yes, gratitude is the key to keeping the faith. I am thankful for my health, family and especially all of you guys who read this stack! I am truly humbled that anyone would read what I write.
Likewise!! I look forward to your writings as well! As followers of Jesus Christ we need to "stay together" for encouragement, moral support and be the kindred spirits that others may be drawn to for refuge and a help in a time of need.We are on the Lord's side. We will be victorious with God's grace.
Thank you for sharing this letter to God. It sounds like you are suffering terribly, and I have no words of counsel that would even come close to the wonderful Word and words others have already shared here.
My sincere hope is that you continue the work you have started here, and I will pray that the Lord heal your wounds and stripes, and that He bless you with great renewal of faith and hope.
I usually 'like' your posts, but can't get myself to do so this time, because it would just feel wrong.
No worries about liking my posts Perplexity. I just write to write. I'm not a great "social media" person and love to just have discussions, even if with only a few people. I thank you for your kind words - the key is faith and hope, as you say. Sometimes I wonder if hope comes before faith or faith before hope. I think they go together, like when Jesus brought his disciples to His transfiguration, to give them hope and shore up their faith in Him. I need some shoring up God!
Pater noster, qui es in cælis, sanctificétur nomen tuum. Advéniat regnum tuum. Fiat volúntas tua, sicut in cælo, et in terra. Panem nostrum quotidiánum da nobis hódie, et dimítte nobis débita nostra sicut et nos dimíttimus debitóribus nostris. Et ne nos indúcas in tentatiónem, sed líbera nos a malo. Amen.
Fiat voluntas tua- THY WILL BE DONE.
My life’s purpose is to serve God’s Will as his instrument, his tool. I’m just an occasionally handy gadget in God’s junk drawer. Old, faulty, beaten up, but serving His purpose.
None of us are alone, we have our Guardian Angel. Just say Hi and thank your Angel for being with you and loving you always.
Thank you Dr. for your kind words. So true - thy will be done. I have to remember that His will is being done even when it seems like nothing is being done. I like that metaphor of an occasional handy gadget in God's junk drawer. I'm that rusty one that sits there for a long, long time until someone says "thank God I kept this thing, I can sure use it now." It's just as humans we want to be that important tool being used every day. That rusty old vise (I just found one in a shed I'm clearing out) is just as important as that new power saw. Gotta remember that!
The temptation of this mortal world is to think that anything besides God’s Will is important enough to bring us down by distracting us from His Eternal Perfect Love. Living for eternity is a continuous exercise in delayed gratification. We rusty tools in His hands will always matter! Stay blessed always!
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life. Romans 6:23
Jesus wept. John 11:35 Why is the shortest verse in the Bible, the voice I say in a sing-song childlike mocking voice because I bested my teacher when I chose that verse to memorize in childhood? Because this verse became significant over this horrid period in our history. My note to myself when I recorded it: It is okay to grieve the loss, it is okay to be heart-broken over what has happened, God will provide the strength and resources I need to continue. Today, I tell you, God will give you the strength you need. I didn't really understand that before the experiences of the past few years. I said it like a cliche, but I didn't understand it, I didn't truly believe it. Then He put me on a path where I had to believe it, I had to let Him fully take over, I had to relinquish control. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done, to give up control, but I now know more fully that He is with us in the darkest and hardest moments.
It is okay to grieve, Napoleon, it is okay to be saddened by the struggle you face. I too feel very much alone. I have few real friends because I just don't know how to relate to people, and many of those I thought were my friends I lost with the demise of my career. I know I have my husband and my two children, which makes me not alone, but I also believe that I have people like you - my anonymous community. You are on my "pray by name" list - because you have offered me such hope and put a voice to my despair.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but was is unseen is eternal.
James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
If you have an email, I am happy to share the full list of verses that have brought me comfort over this period. But Napoleon, you are not alone. Your anonymous community is with you and praying for you, but, more importantly, God is with you, carrying your burdens, waiting for you in heaven.
Wonderful comment Jennifer! Jesus wept. I think about that over the past three years. The tears He must have cried for all of us. The "pandemic" has isolated so many people and brought desolation to so many, and everybody seems to want to forget about it now. Jesus doesn't forget. I pray that you can have a peaceful outcome to your job situation, no matter what it is Jennifer. You can reach me at napoleon@use.startmail.com (note I don't check my email often!).
God does answer our prayers, He just doesn't always answer them the way we want them answered. I know someone else touched on this in another comment. We humans often think they are unanswered because we don't get what we want - but He knows what we need. And He knows what His plans are. Like the scriptures tell us so many times, our physical earthly life is not meant to be easy or free from hardship.....but I think we all know that it is from struggle that we get the best lessons....He knows we need to struggle so we can get the ultimate reward (none of which is coming from me, it is all coming from the hard lessons I have had over my life but especially over the past few years).
Be strong and courageous.....Later you will understand.... Joshua 1:9, Deuteronomy 31:6; John 13:7
Pay no attention to the "perfect" lives of others. External appearances often cover internal turmoil even greater than what you're enduring now.
Having gone through a period of despair and loss of faith, I would advise getting out of your home and seek opportunities to volunteer--homeless shelters, free clinics, etc. God will work through you and meet you there.
God bless you. Hang in there, Napoleon. You are a beloved child of God.
You're right John, we all suffer in some way or another. I've been thinking about volunteering. The past three years I haven't been able to because I refused to get the shots (seems all nonprofits required the shots). I even once went through Hospice training only to find out in the end they required the flu shot and I don't get those either. Sad, really, the people they turn away. But as you say, the best way out of navel gazing is to help others. I'm asking God to point me in the way. Thank you John for your supportive words!
Hard times ALWAYS pass. And almost always, we can look back and take valuable lessons from them. Distance can also show God's presence to us in these apparent dry spells--a kind deed, a supporting word from a love one or a stranger.
Thank you maxumusK for your support! Things are not as dark looking as when I wrote that letter. Just reading and responding to the comments is great counseling for me. I find that reading the comments over and over, and the scripture citations really does help. Thanks so much!
Napoleon, I am in my car right now so I need my verse sheet that is at home. You are in the book I made at Christmas last year because you - on a day I needed it - reminded me that we are working toward treasures in heaven and eternal life. You are not alone. And, yes, we all see earthly rewards going to people who may not deserve it, but the real reward is later. You are not alone, and your words, your honesty, your transparency, are creating a community. You are already on my daily prayer list but you get elevated. I know that God hears your prayers even when all you can utter is a groan.
"You are already on my daily prayer list but you get elevated. I know that God hears your prayers even when all you can utter is a groan."
Thank you Jennifer! I need to stop being so selfish and looking at all I lack. I need to pray more for other people as you do. I don't do that nearly enough. God hears all our prayers, that I know. The question is does He answer them? Does He answer all of them, but we don't think so since they never seem answered in the way we like? I need to write a post on that someday.
Thank you everyone for your encouraging comments and prayers! I read every comment multiple times. Your thoughts mean so much. I will be responding to everyone individually over the next few days. Tonight I going to force myself to Mass. The Ascension of Jesus. Blessings to everyone!
I have been instructed to deliver this reply to you.
Dear Napoleon
Many thanks for your thoughtful letter and my apologies for not writing sooner. Things are rather busy up here in the clouds of heaven and have been particularly fraught since the COVID 19 nonsense started. The angels are delivering and taking messages right left and centre and keeping up with it all is time consuming.
Admittedly it is partly my fault as I created everything in the first place including that wretch Lucifer, now Satan. Once I get my hands on him I'll...excuse me while I take myself off to a quiet corner...............
......That's better. You may have read that God swears by Himself so I have just done that. :)
As regards your valid concerns tell me about it..... ok, you have but I'm sure you know what I mean! It may seem easy to blame Satan but he is a pain in proverbial backside to put it mildly. Ever since he was kicked unceremoniously out of heaven for his unspeakable violation of Adam and Eve he has been up to no good. He has lied and lied and lied again.
As he took a third of the angels with him (I prefer to call them the turd of the angels) there has been a ding dong battle royal going on for millennia. As a 1,000 years is like one day and vica versa, it seems like only yesterday that I created the world when all was hunky dory until pride settled into Lucifer's heart.
He fancied himself when he saw his beautiful reflection and became the first narcissist and the rest as they say is history.
But it is my story as History is His story, i.e. God's i.e yours truly. Things got rather carried away but now the final chapter is upon us and I am wrapping things up. It seems awful, but appearances are deceptive.
I know how hard it is for My children. I came down in the form of My Son Jesus about 2,000 years ago earth time and that helped Me understand how hard it is to live in such a fallen world.
When you put yourself into the hearts of your Darlings as I have done you feel it as much as if you were there yourself. And as Jesus says, if it were not so I would have told you.
It is wonderful that you do your best, but ultimately I just want you and yours and any who will come to me via Jesus, my beautiful Boy who became a Man and died on a Tree and rose again because He is a Rose, a beautiful Rose of Sharon.
He is the Son of God, and when you look up at the sun in the sky which I made during the day then you can feel its warmth and know its kiss on your cheeks. N.B. Some people like to wear nothing sometimes and there are more than 2 cheeks. :)
I hope that helps. Don't worry about mass etc. there are lots of people who love you and who need your love. Even I need it too otherwise I would not have invested myself in creation and my dear children. I was only ever interested in love which is why the two greatest commands only talk about love.
With lots of love to you and yours
Your ever-loving heavenly Father.
XXXOOOXXX
I came across this through a link from another Substack today and want to thank you for articulating what I have struggled with since Covid started but especially 2021 till now, when so many aspects of my life seemed to fall apart. It is hard to keep the faith and pray when you don’t feel like God is listening to you and when you feel like everything is hard and getting harder. Thank you for not shying away from putting your thoughts and feeling out there. It is comforting to know others struggle with this also and uplifting to read the comments from readers offering words from scripture and detailing how they’ve dealt with their own struggles and come out stronger for it. Praying for peace and blessings to come to you 🙏
We all struggle. It would not be faith if we had absolute certainty. I pray “I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.” But God is good and will help you through.
Thank you Claire! Such a short prayer but powerful. I will be saying that daily.
Napoleon, sharing my devotion this morning (May 19, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young), which seems to address this place of loneliness where you find yourself:
"Although My Presence is a guaranteed promise, that does not necessarily change your feelings. When you forget I am with you, you may experience loneliness or fear. It is through awareness of My Presence that Peace displaces negative feelings. Practice the discipline of walking consciously with Me through each day."
And she references 1 Corinthians 13:12 and Psalm 29:11, to which I will add:
Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
It is hard to practice this consciousness and we all fail at it - I have failed at it much of my life. He is still there, still showing us grace, still preparing a place for us. He is faithful and walking alongside you, no matter what you feel at this moment.
Thank you Jennifer. I thought about loneliness this morning and how God is always there with us. Still us humans want something we can see and touch - that is the faith part I am struggling with now. The Priest talked about that last night. When Jesus physically left the earth the Apostles and Blessed Virgin Mary were left alone, but the Paraclete was sent down in His place. I need to tap into the Holy Spirit.
You do not mention your age. Are you young? I was thirty five when I finally ran into the woman I should have married. Unfortunately I had pushed ahead and married someone else, a year earlier, who was, ultimately, incompatible with me. Divorce and remarriage is not an option for me (but not for my now ex).
Had I but waited I would have married the woman who I knew I should have waited for. Upon meeting her it was crystal clear what I lost by not waiting on the Lord. I said nothing to anyone, but my friend later told me that she was shattered to learn that I was married. She was "sure that I was the one the Lord had told her to wait for".
I have no idea your age or level of compatibility with another, and in these end days, solitude may be necessary until the near-end of this battle, but wait on the Lord and He will do more for you than you could ever ask. And you will absolutely know it.
I'm old - 56. I got married at 33 after knowing that person for four years. I look back on it now and see the warning signs and yet I plowed through, who knows why. Probably fear of loneliness since I was old when I got married. I was married for 17 years, divorced and annulled. If you don't mind me asking why could you not divorce and remarry?
So technically I guess I've never been married. Still single. I think about it often and realize many, many people are meant to go through life single. Many more people than society realizes. I've been waiting on God to show me the way. It's been five years since the divorce, then covid hit and it seemed the whole world was lonely. I'll keep working on my patience.
The Lord has given very precise instructions about marriage. Once and done. To remarry, except for marital infidelity, is adultery. This simple edict is bullet proof, and I am thankful that it is so, as I am very happy being a solitary man. I have a near insatiable curiosity and find myself reading books on science, medicine, history, biographicals, technical manuals etc. I enjoy listening to lectures, on very complex subjects. It is hilarious considering I never finished high school, in a hurry to get into the military and to 'Nam while I had a shot at doing my "patriotic duty". Fool that I was.
If I were still married (she divorced me, as is the case in over 70% of divorces here in Commiefornia) there is no way I would have the time to learn at the pace I am.
I hear you Doug. One and done is what I believe too. I'll never get married again. I probably should have never married at all. As you note, being single has its blessings as well.
Napoleon,
Beloved, you have been blessed beyond measure. You suffer more than others because you love more. Suffering is a gift, you cannot grow into who you are meant to be without suffering and trial. Character and wisdom are only obtained through great sacrifice and torment. All men of greatness write of this specific trial using the same words you just did.
Ecclus 51:25. 29 describes this battle for wisdom.
You are currently experiencing the dark night of the spirit. I recommend reading the completed works of st John of the cross if you’d like guidance and clarification about Gods purpose for you. You may not be able to finish what you started but he will. There’s no going back now sweetheart, you cannot run from God. Ask Jonah lol. You are in a period of transition, like a Phoenix you are meant to rise from the ashes. But first you must become ashes, in order for God to transform you into something new.
You are a first fruits, I believe that the end of May will mark a great renewal of Gods favor in your life. Hold on you are almost there. Let go of the old, there’s no going back.
Thank you Lily for your kind words. Back in 2016 I went through the dark night for three years. I thought I had got out of it, but maybe we never really leave it. The dark night seems to be back with a vengeance. I have read St. John of the Cross, although at times I don't understand it! Sometimes I wonder if I navel gaze too much and don't do enough physical living. There is a happy medium there somewhere. I hope the end of May will bring clarity or at least anytime before I leave this earth for good!
What happened in 2016 was meant to help you mature to the point you would be able to persevere in this period of great darkness. Take a second and really think about how far you have come. Did you ever believe you would be capable of withstanding such a great trial as you have now? You stand vindicated, because of your actions.
All those who folded and betrayed you, now stand accused. They betrayed not only you, but themselves.
The law of God is not just written into the fabric of the universe but also on our hearts and minds. The conscience convicts itself, it is a most grievous state to live in. Truly, Hell on earth. You should pity and pray for these people, not envy them.
You must let go of this pain, heal, and move forward. That means actively working to stop staring at your navel and choosing to live each day to the fullest. Find joy in the simple tasks again, like watching the sunrise with a good cup of coffee. I suggest working with your hands outside, we were not meant to live in a box and stare at a box. Let God do his job, he's got this. I promise.
"I suggest working with your hands outside, we were not meant to live in a box and stare at a box. Let God do his job, he's got this. I promise."
Absolutely!
God gives you what you need, in one way or another. Jesus didn't ask the rich young ruler (see below) to follow him AND bring his riches along, he told the rich young ruler to give his riches to the poor and THEN follow him. Jesus got what he needed from God (apostles for companionship, daily bread, sometimes a roof over his head, etc.)
Jesus wasn't rich with possessions, but he was rich with faith which is all one needs to survive until our death. None of us are truly thankful for what God has given us. We always want more. Love your neighbor as yourself is crucial to a better world and life and so very difficult for all of us.
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Matthew 19 v. 16-28
Jesus Counsels the Rich Young Ruler
16 Now behold, one came and said to Him, “Good[d] Teacher, what good thing shall I do that I may have eternal life?”
17 So He said to him, [e]“Why do you call Me good? [f]No one is good but One, that is, God. But if you want to enter into life, keep the commandments.”
18 He said to Him, “Which ones?”
Jesus said, “‘You shall not murder,’ ‘You shall not commit adultery,’ ‘You shall not steal,’ ‘You shall not bear false witness,’ 19 ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ ”
20 The young man said to Him, “All these things I have kept [g]from my youth. What do I still lack?”
21 Jesus said to him, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”
22 But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.
With God All Things Are Possible
23 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “Assuredly, I say to you that it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24 And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
25 When His disciples heard it, they were greatly astonished, saying, “Who then can be saved?”
26 But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
27 Then Peter answered and said to Him, “See, we have left all and followed You. Therefore what shall we have?”
28 So Jesus said to them, “Assuredly I say to you, that in the regeneration, when the Son of Man sits on the throne of His glory, you who have followed Me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29 And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother [h]or wife or children or [i]lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life. 30 But many who are first will be last, and the last first.
Thanks Pug for the rich man parable. "Jesus wasn't rich with possessions, but he was rich with faith which is all one needs to survive until our death." This is what I am struggling with now - the faith. I'm kind of like Peter now - we left all and followed You, what do we have? It seems like the more you follow Jesus the more you have to leave behind, and the more you left behind goes to the nonbelievers. Of course Jesus answers that with hope of eternal life in Heaven. That's the faith. Believe in what we don't see. So hard to do when all you do see is the riches/blessings of life going to others.
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him. James 1:12
Much of James 1 has made it onto my list, not all at once, because particular verses hit me different days. This one was a gift from you, Napoleon, at a day in 2022 when I needed comfort and connection that I have sometimes found in the comments to various substacks. Praying for you this morning Napoleon.
It's always good to reread scripture, over and over. I need to read the full James 1. I'm glad I helped you with comfort and connection on that day. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to the wind, but your comments show me that connection is there, even if we don't think so! I must remember that.
Napoleon, you are in my prayers for what you stand in need of because only God knows your heartbreak and understands what you are going through at this time in your life. May God bless you with courage and the strength to face the future with faith. Count your blessings and name them one by one. An attitude of gratitude will lift your spirit upward and you will see what God can do. Never give up!! Fight the good fight!! For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, and the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God,that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day,and having done all, to stand. Ephesians 6: 11-18. This group of scripture is worth memorizing because we have to put on the whole armour of God to be able to withstand in the evil days ahead. We can do it, we must do it with Faithfulness. May God bless you with peace that passes all understanding.
Thank you always Charlotte for your kind words and support. I always look forward to your comments as they always help me along. Put on the armour! Some days we need more armour than others. Yes, gratitude is the key to keeping the faith. I am thankful for my health, family and especially all of you guys who read this stack! I am truly humbled that anyone would read what I write.
Likewise!! I look forward to your writings as well! As followers of Jesus Christ we need to "stay together" for encouragement, moral support and be the kindred spirits that others may be drawn to for refuge and a help in a time of need.We are on the Lord's side. We will be victorious with God's grace.
Dear Napoleon,
Thank you for sharing this letter to God. It sounds like you are suffering terribly, and I have no words of counsel that would even come close to the wonderful Word and words others have already shared here.
My sincere hope is that you continue the work you have started here, and I will pray that the Lord heal your wounds and stripes, and that He bless you with great renewal of faith and hope.
I usually 'like' your posts, but can't get myself to do so this time, because it would just feel wrong.
God bless you, friend.
No worries about liking my posts Perplexity. I just write to write. I'm not a great "social media" person and love to just have discussions, even if with only a few people. I thank you for your kind words - the key is faith and hope, as you say. Sometimes I wonder if hope comes before faith or faith before hope. I think they go together, like when Jesus brought his disciples to His transfiguration, to give them hope and shore up their faith in Him. I need some shoring up God!
We all need His help sometimes, don't feel alone!
Pater noster, qui es in cælis, sanctificétur nomen tuum. Advéniat regnum tuum. Fiat volúntas tua, sicut in cælo, et in terra. Panem nostrum quotidiánum da nobis hódie, et dimítte nobis débita nostra sicut et nos dimíttimus debitóribus nostris. Et ne nos indúcas in tentatiónem, sed líbera nos a malo. Amen.
Fiat voluntas tua- THY WILL BE DONE.
My life’s purpose is to serve God’s Will as his instrument, his tool. I’m just an occasionally handy gadget in God’s junk drawer. Old, faulty, beaten up, but serving His purpose.
None of us are alone, we have our Guardian Angel. Just say Hi and thank your Angel for being with you and loving you always.
Pax Christi
Thank you Dr. for your kind words. So true - thy will be done. I have to remember that His will is being done even when it seems like nothing is being done. I like that metaphor of an occasional handy gadget in God's junk drawer. I'm that rusty one that sits there for a long, long time until someone says "thank God I kept this thing, I can sure use it now." It's just as humans we want to be that important tool being used every day. That rusty old vise (I just found one in a shed I'm clearing out) is just as important as that new power saw. Gotta remember that!
The temptation of this mortal world is to think that anything besides God’s Will is important enough to bring us down by distracting us from His Eternal Perfect Love. Living for eternity is a continuous exercise in delayed gratification. We rusty tools in His hands will always matter! Stay blessed always!
an occasionally handy gadget in God's junk drawer--yes, this expresses it. Thank you, Lord, for letting me be of service, as a tool, to your purpose.
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life. Romans 6:23
Jesus wept. John 11:35 Why is the shortest verse in the Bible, the voice I say in a sing-song childlike mocking voice because I bested my teacher when I chose that verse to memorize in childhood? Because this verse became significant over this horrid period in our history. My note to myself when I recorded it: It is okay to grieve the loss, it is okay to be heart-broken over what has happened, God will provide the strength and resources I need to continue. Today, I tell you, God will give you the strength you need. I didn't really understand that before the experiences of the past few years. I said it like a cliche, but I didn't understand it, I didn't truly believe it. Then He put me on a path where I had to believe it, I had to let Him fully take over, I had to relinquish control. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done, to give up control, but I now know more fully that He is with us in the darkest and hardest moments.
It is okay to grieve, Napoleon, it is okay to be saddened by the struggle you face. I too feel very much alone. I have few real friends because I just don't know how to relate to people, and many of those I thought were my friends I lost with the demise of my career. I know I have my husband and my two children, which makes me not alone, but I also believe that I have people like you - my anonymous community. You are on my "pray by name" list - because you have offered me such hope and put a voice to my despair.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but was is unseen is eternal.
James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
If you have an email, I am happy to share the full list of verses that have brought me comfort over this period. But Napoleon, you are not alone. Your anonymous community is with you and praying for you, but, more importantly, God is with you, carrying your burdens, waiting for you in heaven.
Wonderful comment Jennifer! Jesus wept. I think about that over the past three years. The tears He must have cried for all of us. The "pandemic" has isolated so many people and brought desolation to so many, and everybody seems to want to forget about it now. Jesus doesn't forget. I pray that you can have a peaceful outcome to your job situation, no matter what it is Jennifer. You can reach me at napoleon@use.startmail.com (note I don't check my email often!).
Check that email!
God does answer our prayers, He just doesn't always answer them the way we want them answered. I know someone else touched on this in another comment. We humans often think they are unanswered because we don't get what we want - but He knows what we need. And He knows what His plans are. Like the scriptures tell us so many times, our physical earthly life is not meant to be easy or free from hardship.....but I think we all know that it is from struggle that we get the best lessons....He knows we need to struggle so we can get the ultimate reward (none of which is coming from me, it is all coming from the hard lessons I have had over my life but especially over the past few years).
Be strong and courageous.....Later you will understand.... Joshua 1:9, Deuteronomy 31:6; John 13:7
Will do Jennifer, thanks!
Pay no attention to the "perfect" lives of others. External appearances often cover internal turmoil even greater than what you're enduring now.
Having gone through a period of despair and loss of faith, I would advise getting out of your home and seek opportunities to volunteer--homeless shelters, free clinics, etc. God will work through you and meet you there.
God bless you. Hang in there, Napoleon. You are a beloved child of God.
You're right John, we all suffer in some way or another. I've been thinking about volunteering. The past three years I haven't been able to because I refused to get the shots (seems all nonprofits required the shots). I even once went through Hospice training only to find out in the end they required the flu shot and I don't get those either. Sad, really, the people they turn away. But as you say, the best way out of navel gazing is to help others. I'm asking God to point me in the way. Thank you John for your supportive words!
Hard times ALWAYS pass. And almost always, we can look back and take valuable lessons from them. Distance can also show God's presence to us in these apparent dry spells--a kind deed, a supporting word from a love one or a stranger.
Keep kicking away, Napoleon. God bless you.
Hang in there buddy. And get counseling if necessary. I'm praying for you.
Thank you maxumusK for your support! Things are not as dark looking as when I wrote that letter. Just reading and responding to the comments is great counseling for me. I find that reading the comments over and over, and the scripture citations really does help. Thanks so much!
Napoleon, I am in my car right now so I need my verse sheet that is at home. You are in the book I made at Christmas last year because you - on a day I needed it - reminded me that we are working toward treasures in heaven and eternal life. You are not alone. And, yes, we all see earthly rewards going to people who may not deserve it, but the real reward is later. You are not alone, and your words, your honesty, your transparency, are creating a community. You are already on my daily prayer list but you get elevated. I know that God hears your prayers even when all you can utter is a groan.
"You are already on my daily prayer list but you get elevated. I know that God hears your prayers even when all you can utter is a groan."
Thank you Jennifer! I need to stop being so selfish and looking at all I lack. I need to pray more for other people as you do. I don't do that nearly enough. God hears all our prayers, that I know. The question is does He answer them? Does He answer all of them, but we don't think so since they never seem answered in the way we like? I need to write a post on that someday.