Dear God
Letters to the Lord
5-17-23
Dear God:
This may be my last letter to You. I don't know.
I'm having a crisis of faith and belief now. I really want to believe in You and have the faith that You only have my best interests at heart. But, I don't really see it played out in my life at the moment. Of course that is most likely my fault - not seeing the forest for the trees and all that.
I just feel that Your blessings have passed me by and landed on those who publicly flaunt their non-belief in You (You know who I am talking about specifically). It seems the more a person doesn't believe in God and Jesus, the better that person’s life is. Truly. I see all the atheists/agnostics around me and they are all doing pretty good. They seem happy, they have good jobs/careers, tons of personal relationships, lots of money, prestige, status, fun times, basically all the reasons for living as a human. If they are unhappy, lonely, living through drudgery and poverty, I certainly don't see it.
I feel like You have left me on my own. I've been unhappy for a very long time. Even trying to do the best I can, following Your Commandments, attending Church, praying daily, trying to do acts of charity, I am still unhappy. I feel like I am not part of this world. The world has left me and the people in it. I am on my own and I don't want to be.
All I ever wanted was someone I could love and share a life with on this earth. That person is nowhere to be found. I prayed and prayed for that and my life has gotten even more lonely. But then it seems the unbelieving people who don't pray at all have people falling at their feet. Why? You are blessing them with earthly human love, I know You are. Why do they get what I have prayed for my entire life? Why do You not hear my prayers or if You do, why am I denied human comfort on this earth?
Maybe You are not there Lord and I have been deluding myself. Atheists and agnostics think nothing of You and their lives go forward pretty good. They don't have to spend time praying, they can use that time living instead. Are people right - You are just a sky fairy? If I put forward effort into living a life, unbeholden to You, Jesus, Church and all that maybe I could receive blessings too. I want blessings, and maybe blessings are just living human lives in getting what we want in life without a concern for the so-called afterlife. Maybe we do go poof at death and what a waste of a life I have had if that is the case.
I am exhausted. I am old. I am spent. My prayer life has dried up. My envy toward atheists/agnostics is at an all-time high right now. They are living. I am not. I want to live. I want joy, laughter, love, money, a career, a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I want the drudgery to end, even if only for a day or two. I want blessings, Your blessings, if You exist. If You don't exist I want to create my own blessings and live a real human life.
I don't know what to do now. I don't know if I should even pray for Your guidance Lord. Instead, I sit here and write these electronic psalms to You. Maybe it's time to stop doing that.
Sincerely,
Napoleon
Thank you everyone for your encouraging comments and prayers! I read every comment multiple times. Your thoughts mean so much. I will be responding to everyone individually over the next few days. Tonight I going to force myself to Mass. The Ascension of Jesus. Blessings to everyone!
God gives you what you need, in one way or another. Jesus didn't ask the rich young ruler (see below) to follow him AND bring his riches along, he told the rich young ruler to give his riches to the poor and THEN follow him. Jesus got what he needed from God (apostles for companionship, daily bread, sometimes a roof over his head, etc.)
Jesus wasn't rich with possessions, but he was rich with faith which is all one needs to survive until our death. None of us are truly thankful for what God has given us. We always want more. Love your neighbor as yourself is crucial to a better world and life and so very difficult for all of us.
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Matthew 19 v. 16-28
Jesus Counsels the Rich Young Ruler
16 Now behold, one came and said to Him, “Good[d] Teacher, what good thing shall I do that I may have eternal life?”
17 So He said to him, [e]“Why do you call Me good? [f]No one is good but One, that is, God. But if you want to enter into life, keep the commandments.”
18 He said to Him, “Which ones?”
Jesus said, “‘You shall not murder,’ ‘You shall not commit adultery,’ ‘You shall not steal,’ ‘You shall not bear false witness,’ 19 ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ ”
20 The young man said to Him, “All these things I have kept [g]from my youth. What do I still lack?”
21 Jesus said to him, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”
22 But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.
With God All Things Are Possible
23 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “Assuredly, I say to you that it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24 And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
25 When His disciples heard it, they were greatly astonished, saying, “Who then can be saved?”
26 But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
27 Then Peter answered and said to Him, “See, we have left all and followed You. Therefore what shall we have?”
28 So Jesus said to them, “Assuredly I say to you, that in the regeneration, when the Son of Man sits on the throne of His glory, you who have followed Me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29 And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother [h]or wife or children or [i]lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life. 30 But many who are first will be last, and the last first.