Wow. My friend jacquelyn, a reader of this page, showed me this post...
I'm a caregiver, too. You have eloquently described what surely millions of us feel, at least in our culture of human degradation... When the elders are thrown away, put on shelves, and otherwise vanished in plain sight, then what of caregivers? We, too, are shelved. We are told we are unworthy of respect. I refuse to allow my spirit to ever believe this, and I hope you will be strong and do the same!
"Can't you find a real job?" I actually had someone ask me that once. And less horrible, but similar questions, from family members of the elders I cared for. Now it's got to the place where my two brothers are trying to keep me out of caregiving for my parents, something I gave up my "real job" to do, and moved away from my friends and connections of 25 years to do, because they don't want me to be PAID to do it. It's THEIR inheritance, and they don't think it should be wasted. They have taken me to court and smeared my name in the Public Record as being untrustworthy and scheming. One has said to my face that my eight years as a caregiver was pretty much just "sitting around in people's houses."
And I can't just leave. I can't leave my vulnerable parents, cognitively downward trending, to people who would treat ME like THAT. It's not just driving someone to a doctor's visit and putting something, any crap will do, into their stomachs and a remote to the TV in their hands, is it, my dear Napoleon? I recognize you, and I know you, through your words here, and we are connected in this heart-y way. Please don't feel alone, and when you do, remember me, because you are FAR from alone... I am sending you such a HUGE box of hugs... Bless your heart! Be strong, breathe in the Love you need and exhale the loneliness. xo xo xo
Thanks so much for your wonderful comment Word Herder!
The arguments we had in our family over being paid for caregiving my mother sounds like what happened to you as well. I will never understand why it is preferable to put someone in a nursing home or pay strangers to look after someone than pay a relative. Your brothers don't understand that if you weren't caregiving for pennies they would have no inheritence. That's how our society has warped us. Throw kids in daycare and the elder in nursing homes with strangers on the govt's dime rather than family members doing the work as they should.
That's why I asked God to send down his blessings to caregivers like you and I. Although it seems counterintuitive I know that what we are doing while scorned by society is treasured by God.
Absolutely right on. It's mind-boggling!! And yes, we're doing Good Work. WE know this, and someday maybe our relatives will "get it," too... I've heard many stories about siblings having terrible bouts of greed when "inheritance" rears its head... And the irony that they really don't understand how expensive these things are, but think WE are trying to make off with it all... I am astounded.
So hard to do it all on your own. That's why two parents are needed. But sometimes that is not possible understood. Still society needs to stop extolling the 'single parent can do it all' mantra. We've been fed that line since the 70's. It's not working. No one should have to do it all on their own. That's not the way God wants it. He wants an easier life for all of us.
Thanks Napoleon...oh and I had a Dad, and he was great, but he didn't have the 'big life' dream that my mom did, so he just would NOT push himself. He is my hero, wrt how to play this game, which is NOT to play. He lived quite a bit longer, was an Architect who ran his own firm, which was occasionally profitable but I guess my mom felt that she had to take up all (what she saw as) slack. It was hard to see this play out as he always felt bad he was not really the breadwinner.
So sorry to hear that Kelliann. Nobody deserved to lose their jobs over useless poison shots. I know God has special things in mind for people like us who stood up to tyranny. We just have to wait and trust.
Good post. After I read your post, I watched "Touched by an Angel."
Never saw the episode. It was about an older married couple who were having their first baby in their 40's. Early in the pregnancy the couple found out that the baby boy would be born with Down Syndrome. The father was depressed and angry that his first (and possible only) baby would be "retarded." The father said he couldn't deal with raising a retarded child for the rest of his life and wanted his wife to abort the baby and they would try again for a normal baby.
The mother couldn't abort the baby, even though she was "pro choice." The husband was angry at his wife for deciding to keep a retarded child because it would ruin both of their lives forever, as they would never have a normal family and they would be caretakers to a child who would never be normal (never go to college and have a real job), plus the expenses with raising a Down Syndrome child would bankrupt them.
The angels tried to convince the father that the "normal" life he wanted for themselves and their child was not going to happen, and he needed to believe that God would see them through the raising of a disabled child, and all that mattered was love.
In the end the wife ended up getting shot by a robber at seven months, and had the baby by caesarean. The angels were shocked as God had not told the angels that the wife would be shot. She was shot by a human that was exercising his free will. The wife ended up in a coma, and the doctors said she would probably be brain damaged if she were to wake up from her coma.
The husband ended up raising the baby on his own while his wife lay in a hospital bed in a coma. He told his wife that when she wakes up they will get through this life together.
Then the show ended. We never found out if the wife woke up from her coma and if she was brain damaged.
The show was about humans being caretakers to other humans. Life NEVER goes as one expects. NEVER.
Caretakers are undervalued in our society. Basically caretakers are crapped upon by the "normal" people with the normal jobs and normal lives. Caretaking is depressing and rarely pays a living wage. A caretaker has to have faith in God, that he will take care of the caretaker's expenses and mental health.
Caregiving is depressing if we choose to see it that way. I don't see it that way, and I've done it for years. What IS depressing is how often OTHER PEOPLE treat the elder or child that needs care, the things that are said to them, the wordless means of dismissing them as "other" or "lesser," and how that can harm them far more than any physical violence-- and there's sometimes physical violence, too... That it pays so badly is a clear indication of the lack of value put on human life... I had many, many elders in my care, and I loved each and every one of them dearly. Even those with advanced cognitive issues are lovable, if you have love to give. It's all a matter of how we choose to look at the situation. xo
Wow. You would never see those types of shows anymore. Too depressing for this world. But you're right caretaking others is considered a waste of one's life. I guess God thinks otherwise.
I admire your conscience and courage to do what you know is right. That is what counts in the long run. People who put occupation, money, and fame ahead of family obligations are reaping earthy rewards vs eternal rewards.
Indeed. Not having to care for anyone creates illness... sociopathy. Interesting, no? Perhaps this is why we are blessed with those who age, or who are sickly, or whatever... it makes our hearts bigger.
Especially for stay at home parents. I have great respect for someone who places the raising of children ahead of making money and the esteem of a career. Especially since it is during their peak earning years.
Absolutely. Hard to do in this world that only focuses on money and earthly esteem. But you're right. Whatever we are called to do we need to do it outside of our ego.
Wow. My friend jacquelyn, a reader of this page, showed me this post...
I'm a caregiver, too. You have eloquently described what surely millions of us feel, at least in our culture of human degradation... When the elders are thrown away, put on shelves, and otherwise vanished in plain sight, then what of caregivers? We, too, are shelved. We are told we are unworthy of respect. I refuse to allow my spirit to ever believe this, and I hope you will be strong and do the same!
"Can't you find a real job?" I actually had someone ask me that once. And less horrible, but similar questions, from family members of the elders I cared for. Now it's got to the place where my two brothers are trying to keep me out of caregiving for my parents, something I gave up my "real job" to do, and moved away from my friends and connections of 25 years to do, because they don't want me to be PAID to do it. It's THEIR inheritance, and they don't think it should be wasted. They have taken me to court and smeared my name in the Public Record as being untrustworthy and scheming. One has said to my face that my eight years as a caregiver was pretty much just "sitting around in people's houses."
And I can't just leave. I can't leave my vulnerable parents, cognitively downward trending, to people who would treat ME like THAT. It's not just driving someone to a doctor's visit and putting something, any crap will do, into their stomachs and a remote to the TV in their hands, is it, my dear Napoleon? I recognize you, and I know you, through your words here, and we are connected in this heart-y way. Please don't feel alone, and when you do, remember me, because you are FAR from alone... I am sending you such a HUGE box of hugs... Bless your heart! Be strong, breathe in the Love you need and exhale the loneliness. xo xo xo
Thanks so much for your wonderful comment Word Herder!
The arguments we had in our family over being paid for caregiving my mother sounds like what happened to you as well. I will never understand why it is preferable to put someone in a nursing home or pay strangers to look after someone than pay a relative. Your brothers don't understand that if you weren't caregiving for pennies they would have no inheritence. That's how our society has warped us. Throw kids in daycare and the elder in nursing homes with strangers on the govt's dime rather than family members doing the work as they should.
That's why I asked God to send down his blessings to caregivers like you and I. Although it seems counterintuitive I know that what we are doing while scorned by society is treasured by God.
Absolutely right on. It's mind-boggling!! And yes, we're doing Good Work. WE know this, and someday maybe our relatives will "get it," too... I've heard many stories about siblings having terrible bouts of greed when "inheritance" rears its head... And the irony that they really don't understand how expensive these things are, but think WE are trying to make off with it all... I am astounded.
Saw my mom try to be both a Mom and a 50 hour a week manager. Too much for one person.
So hard to do it all on your own. That's why two parents are needed. But sometimes that is not possible understood. Still society needs to stop extolling the 'single parent can do it all' mantra. We've been fed that line since the 70's. It's not working. No one should have to do it all on their own. That's not the way God wants it. He wants an easier life for all of us.
Thanks Napoleon...oh and I had a Dad, and he was great, but he didn't have the 'big life' dream that my mom did, so he just would NOT push himself. He is my hero, wrt how to play this game, which is NOT to play. He lived quite a bit longer, was an Architect who ran his own firm, which was occasionally profitable but I guess my mom felt that she had to take up all (what she saw as) slack. It was hard to see this play out as he always felt bad he was not really the breadwinner.
Lost my "real job" due to the injection mandate too
So sorry to hear that Kelliann. Nobody deserved to lose their jobs over useless poison shots. I know God has special things in mind for people like us who stood up to tyranny. We just have to wait and trust.
Yes I pray for happier days.
Amen. 🙏💞
Good post. After I read your post, I watched "Touched by an Angel."
Never saw the episode. It was about an older married couple who were having their first baby in their 40's. Early in the pregnancy the couple found out that the baby boy would be born with Down Syndrome. The father was depressed and angry that his first (and possible only) baby would be "retarded." The father said he couldn't deal with raising a retarded child for the rest of his life and wanted his wife to abort the baby and they would try again for a normal baby.
The mother couldn't abort the baby, even though she was "pro choice." The husband was angry at his wife for deciding to keep a retarded child because it would ruin both of their lives forever, as they would never have a normal family and they would be caretakers to a child who would never be normal (never go to college and have a real job), plus the expenses with raising a Down Syndrome child would bankrupt them.
The angels tried to convince the father that the "normal" life he wanted for themselves and their child was not going to happen, and he needed to believe that God would see them through the raising of a disabled child, and all that mattered was love.
In the end the wife ended up getting shot by a robber at seven months, and had the baby by caesarean. The angels were shocked as God had not told the angels that the wife would be shot. She was shot by a human that was exercising his free will. The wife ended up in a coma, and the doctors said she would probably be brain damaged if she were to wake up from her coma.
The husband ended up raising the baby on his own while his wife lay in a hospital bed in a coma. He told his wife that when she wakes up they will get through this life together.
Then the show ended. We never found out if the wife woke up from her coma and if she was brain damaged.
The show was about humans being caretakers to other humans. Life NEVER goes as one expects. NEVER.
Caretakers are undervalued in our society. Basically caretakers are crapped upon by the "normal" people with the normal jobs and normal lives. Caretaking is depressing and rarely pays a living wage. A caretaker has to have faith in God, that he will take care of the caretaker's expenses and mental health.
Caregiving is depressing if we choose to see it that way. I don't see it that way, and I've done it for years. What IS depressing is how often OTHER PEOPLE treat the elder or child that needs care, the things that are said to them, the wordless means of dismissing them as "other" or "lesser," and how that can harm them far more than any physical violence-- and there's sometimes physical violence, too... That it pays so badly is a clear indication of the lack of value put on human life... I had many, many elders in my care, and I loved each and every one of them dearly. Even those with advanced cognitive issues are lovable, if you have love to give. It's all a matter of how we choose to look at the situation. xo
Wow. You would never see those types of shows anymore. Too depressing for this world. But you're right caretaking others is considered a waste of one's life. I guess God thinks otherwise.
I admire your conscience and courage to do what you know is right. That is what counts in the long run. People who put occupation, money, and fame ahead of family obligations are reaping earthy rewards vs eternal rewards.
I've always wondered about people who have never had to take care of anyone. I know someone like that. Empathy seems hard to come by in those folks.
Indeed. Not having to care for anyone creates illness... sociopathy. Interesting, no? Perhaps this is why we are blessed with those who age, or who are sickly, or whatever... it makes our hearts bigger.
That is the truth. They might be able to take care of a dog or cat but forget about another human being.
And caregivers don't get time off....Kudos to you. And Thank you.
Especially for stay at home parents. I have great respect for someone who places the raising of children ahead of making money and the esteem of a career. Especially since it is during their peak earning years.
agree
Absolutely. Hard to do in this world that only focuses on money and earthly esteem. But you're right. Whatever we are called to do we need to do it outside of our ego.