Cleaning Windows and Being Yelled at by God
Jobs to Job
5/28/24 - 5/31/24
This whole past month Pug and I have been cleaning houses and washing windows, at my house, my mom's, and my aunt's. As Van Morrison sings on his album Beautiful Vision: "what's my line? I'm happy cleanin' windows" … "If we don't get finished, we'll have to go down to the dole."
Although we like cleaning and are good at it, Pug noted to me that she's just not getting that "cleaning high" anymore. Again, as Van Morrison sings on his album Hymns to the Silence: "I'm not feelin' it no more. I'm not feelin' it anymore. I'm tryin' to give you the score. I'm not feelin' it no more."
It's probably because we are getting older and cleaning is just getting tedious, especially windows. Who really cares about clean windows anyways? Most people never clean windows. Is not that we want to live in filth, but we also don't have to live in a squeaky clean environment. There's a happy medium between the two I guess, somewhere.
So in between cleaning windows and collecting "from the lady so I don't have to go on the dole," I've basically been doing nothing this past month because "we all know that money don't buy you love. You just get a job and somewhere to live." That about sums up my life now.
In the doldrums that this May has been, I've also been a little peeved at God that He never seems to help me move my life forward the way that I want. I don't seem to be doing anything except cleaning, which I think really probably doesn't need to be done. God seems to have left me in this state of crappy nothingness and has gone radio silent in my life.
Until last night.
Last night God yelled at me. I've heard God's voice many times - usually small, quiet and comforting. Last night was completely different.
It started with a lucid dream where I heard God tell me that I was to contact my ex-husband and I said "ok, but he has to reach out to me first..." And, immediately I was cut off with the loudest, most booming voice I have ever heard saying:
† "WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME HOW IT IS TO BE DONE!" †
When God was yelling at me, I was cowering and felt completely insignificant. I was crying over and over "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" Then I woke up. I sat there and thought "was that really God who just yelled at me?"
It was 100% real and I felt the presence of an all-powerful supreme being who was more than ticked at me and my hubris for trying to tell Him how to do what He wanted done.
Or was it the voice of satan or a demon, or maybe just a dream? What happened next confirmed to me that the booming, yelling voice was God.
As I closed my eyes to try to get back to sleep, the night terrors began immediately. A rush of wind filled my ears, the sleep paralysis began, and my covers were tugged at repeatedly. I prayed to Jesus to make it stop and it eased somewhat. I stared at the ceiling and the terrors began again, worse this time. I knew what they were and knew only calling the name of Jesus would stop them. So I prayed to Jesus over and over, and the terrors finally stopped. During all this time, I was awake as I saw the time on the clock and the light through the window blinds. I was not asleep.
As Jesus said, a house divided against itself cannot stand. Therefore I knew the booming yelling voice was not satan or a demon as satan would not need to respond to himself with night terrors. The night terror response was to God's voice to me. We all live in continual spiritual warfare between God and satan. Satan will do anything to convince us not to listen to God's voice or that what God is telling us is a lie. Satan especially likes it when ALL voices in a dream or lucid state can be called paranoid schizophrenia. That way God can be dismissed as a brain misfire or just plain madness and humans can poison themselves into a zombie state. Most important, satan would not ask that you humble yourself as the voice did to me. Satan is there to build up your ego, not destroy it.
Satan also says that God would NEVER yell at anyone. God is love right? Nobody goes to hell right? Turn the other cheek right? Satan is wrong. God does yell at people. God is love AND justice AND truth. People do go to hell. Most of the Old Testament and the entire Book of Job proves that. Even Jesus in the New Testament yelled at and reprimanded people many, many times.
Love is not all whispers and hugs. Love sometimes requires yelling. Love sometimes requires you to be put in your place by someone who only has your best interests at heart. Sometimes a knock upside the head is exactly what we need to get on the right path …
I actually started this post three days ago and have let it sit ... until today. Time to finish it.
Yesterday I reread the Book of Job twice. I knew about the spiritual warfare allowed by God in Job's life. I knew about Job's friends telling him it was his fault and to repent. I knew about Job wanting to hear God’s reasons for his misfortunes. I knew about God's yelling at Job. What I didn't really know was Job's response to God's yelling. Here it is:
Then Job answered the Lord, and said: I know that thou canst do all things, and no thought is hid from thee. Who is this that hideth counsel without knowledge? Therefore I have spoken unwisely, and things that above measure exceeded my knowledge. Hear, and I will speak: I will ask thee, and do thou tell me. With the hearing of the ear, I have heard thee, but now my eye seeth thee. Therefore I reprehend myself, and do penance in dust and ashes. (Job 42:1-6)
Short and sweet. God knows and does all things. It's not for us humans to know why. We are the creatures, not the Creator. I look at my life and realize that I've never really fully recognized that fact. I've always known that God is omniscient and omnipresent but I figured He just lets us do whatever we want because of our "free will." Now I know that is not true. He's there all the time working in our lives, because He is our Creator. His actions in our lives do not require justifications, because He is our Creator. His requests of us do not require qualifications by us, because He is our Creator. That is the answer to all of Job's questions - God is the Creator and knows ALL. Period. Job finally understood this, and apologized to God for his hubris in thinking that God does not have the right to do or allow things to happen to us.
It's ALL GOD, ALL THE TIME, BECAUSE HE IS THE CREATOR. Jesus understood this. We don't. I don't. Three days later, I'm still reeling from being yelled at by God. Nobody likes being yelled at or being corrected. It sucks. When I was in the presence of God's voice my apologies were immediate and felt like not enough penance. Now, back in the "real" earthly world, with my ego back, my apologies to God are hedged with "but was I wrong?" I hate that. I wish I could live daily with how I felt hearing the booming voice of God. It was terrifying but so utterly right. It all made sense. All my questions about this world and my life were answered with God's simple question of "Who are You?"
I am a creature, nothing more, nothing less. God's loves all his creatures, big and small. God is there all the time with all His creatures. He is with us every millisecond of our lives. When God asks us to do something, we should do it, with no qualifications. When we are feeling down, or lost, or trodden upon, as Job did, or are in the middle of a spiritual battle, God is there.
He is the creator and would NEVER, EVER, let His creatures flounder on their own. Who are we to question otherwise? God is all good and we are blessed to have such a Creator who only wants good for us (no matter the earthly pains and doubts we suffer) and eternal, blessed life with Him after our deaths.
As Van, the man sings on his album Avalon Sunset: "When will I ever learn to live in God? When will I ever learn? He gives me everything I need and more When will I ever learn?"
Indeed. When will I learn?
Stupid substack won't allow me to like anyone's comments because I refuse to upgrade to Windows 10 apparently (I can't pin this comment either - Substack you are the worst). So I send virtual likes to everyone!
Me, too, on Tuesday, I think. I had asked that "the meditations of my heart would be acceptable and pleasing" to Him. But there I was in the garden, facing the windows of the neighbors who have engaged in gratuitous vandalism (cutting to a 4-foot stump a black cherry tree, spraying RoundUp on my choice rhododendrons--in MY yard) such that last year we put up an 8' wooden fence. I had actually been afraid, for several years, to work in my own front yard. But I never allowed myself to even think of vengeful acts in return. And so there I was, on Tuesday, with the soul-strength provided by that 8' wooden wall, thinking uncharitable thoughts of that woman. And God told me to stop it. And I repented immediately and asked His forgiveness. Now it happens that I stopped going to church nine years ago, didn't intend it to last this long--originally only for the months while the sanctuary was being re-vamped. This last year I have been reading the Bible from beginning straight through. And praying: talking to Him how many times each day? And honestly, it seems that He is talking back to me so much more frequently. Could there be a connection here? Also--read Ezekiel 5 this morning before rising. God is ANGRY in that chapter. And yes, the windows. Mine are very dirty. But to clean them, most of the dirt being on the outside, I have to remove the upper and lower storm window sashes, clean both sides of them, get on a ladder to clean the wood sashes. And having broken my back in a fall 15 years ago, ain't doin that stuff. So the rain does what the rain does.